Reparenting Yourself: A Journey of Self-Care and Conscious Parenting
EP. 06
In this episode of the Mae B Mindful Podcast, host Hannah Mae delves into the importance of spiritual self-care. She discusses the significance of practices like prayer, meditation, and self-hypnosis in maintaining balance amidst life's chaos. Hannah shares personal insights and stories, highlighting how these practices can ground us, bring clarity, and help us transcend challenges. Tune in to discover how cultivating a daily spiritual practice can profoundly impact your overall well-being and growth.
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Episode Transcript:
Hello, this is the Mae B Mindful Podcast, and I am your host, Hannah Mae. I'm a mother of six, a conscious birth instructor and educator, a spiritual growth facilitator, and a certified hypnotist. This podcast is about inspiring hope, expanding awareness, and consciousness to revolutionize the way we live and experience our lives. You can expect thought-provoking episodes each week spanning a range of topics, drawing from both my own journey of transformation and healing and working with others. I hope you find this podcast to be informative, refreshing, illuminating, and instrumental in your own soul's evolution and growth. Let's jump right in!
Welcome back to the Mae B Mindful Podcast. I'm your host, Hannah Mae, and today's episode is on parenting and how it relates to reparenting the self. The two are synonymous; I can't really talk about one without talking about the other. They are incredibly interwoven and connected, part of the same fabric, and one always brings us back to the other. It calls us to do our own work; at least the invitation is always there in my experience. So really, the theme of this is "the work is mine," and another theme is the need for radical self-care.
How in the world do you do that? It's a little confusing because you're supposed to press into selflessness as a parent. It requires a good amount of selflessness; you're supposed to die to self essentially. And then, you're also supposed to self-care. You're supposed to, you know, for the survival of everybody on board, put your own oxygen mask on first. Just give me a moment, everybody, okay? So that I can make sure we survive and make it right, and I'll get oxygen too. There's a lot we don't understand on this journey. There are a lot of "I don't knows," and that's okay. We're dealing with things on a multi-dimensional spiritual and physical plane here, and things come up in us. We don't know why we're feeling them, maybe we don't know why we're having a reaction that we're having, and we don't even like the reaction that we're having. Maybe we're not wanting to have that reaction anymore, yet we find ourselves still doing it anyway.
So, in that way, we're really called to break cycles, some of which we are aware of, and some of which we are not aware of. However, I guarantee you, if you're a parent, you stick around, keep an open mind, and want to do a better job, which we all do, you're going to start to become aware of them. The clues are going to start popping up all over the place because those kids, they've got your number. They're going to press all your buttons. The [__] is hard in that way. Forgive me for my bad language; I'm going to tidy it up right now. I hope your kids aren't listening.
Okay, what did we talk about so far? I really believe that all parents are doing the best they can with the tools they have and with the level of consciousness and awareness they have. How we do is going to be in direct correlation and relation to that. So, the opportunity is there to grow and expand our consciousness and awareness constantly. That is going to require, guess what, some attention. That means we're going to have to focus on ourselves a little bit. And then, at the same time, bring this joy, create levity, and not take it so seriously. Recognize that it's impossible to do it perfectly.
I have a good friend who has seven children, and she's a veteran mother. Her kids are all adults now, and I remember I was telling her one day, I was trying to get them to behave and do this or that, and she said, "Oh, it's an impossible job." It just kind of helped me realize, of course, it is. What a silly expectation to have on myself.
On that subject, the work's always mine. We tend to think that we need to change our child, fix our child, make them different, when in fact, most of the time, they're doing exactly what they're supposed to be doing. Exactly. If they're throwing a grandma tantrum, they know exactly what to do. Their body is processing or attempting to process and offload a buildup of emotion that they can't live with anymore. They're brilliant. Our reaction, however, is a different story because most likely if that's happening and we're feeling the need to shut it down, stop it, stifle it, change it, fix it, it's because we haven't learned how to process those feelings that are getting triggered in us, that are coming up. So, this is the opportunity.
In this example, I cannot hold space for their feeling and emotion if I have not learned how to tolerate it in myself. And I can't tolerate it in myself until I have processed it. So, this is calling me to attention here in order to heal and transform something so that it no longer has to be projected onto my child. It is something, let me tell you. It's kind of a joke. Parenting is sort of hilarious and sort of ridiculous, actually, when you look at it.
Okay, you want me to move in with all these highly irrational, illogical little beings? They're so cute; love them, but they're going to call me to a very high level of endurance. They're going to bring me to that. I had a mentor who called it the bone-crushing tired state where you just feel like your bones are going to explode into powder, and you're just going to disintegrate. You're just going to be lying on your kitchen floor dead because you're so tired, and you don't know how you're going to do it anymore. But, be nice, have a nice day, be joyful, and then you're supposed to be the adult. You're supposed to keep things on track, stop the ship from crashing into the rocks, and keep everybody on board and safe in your delirious state. And everything that they do in their irrational state, not everything, but a good part of it depending on your bag of stuff that you're bringing to the table, is going to trigger the [__] out of you. Sorry, I swore again. It's going to trigger you to the point where your nervous system might be completely flooded, and that's going to turn you into an irrational, tantruming three-year-old. But you're supposed to be the adult here.
And then, at the same time, it's like learning to see things through the child's eyes and learning to, in that way, become more childlike and recognize that maybe we don't have it all figured out. Maybe we need to gain some perspective. Maybe they're more emotionally, spiritually, and energetically intelligent than we are in that moment. Maybe we are operating in a moment from our own unconsciousness, and maybe it's calling us to look at our own conditioned beliefs and experiences that have been pressed into us that are causing us to have these impulsive responses.
So, there's a vast amount of opportunity here. Support is important, community is important, connection is important. Speaking of connection, as far as all the philosophies, theories, approaches, and experts, and wonderful advice out there, the ones that I really resonate with are the connection-based ones because connection really is the antidote and the thing that is going to help realign your child with you. In order for you to connect with your child, you have to be able to do that within yourself so that you are grounded.
We all bring our own bag of stuff, so this journey is going to be unique to each individual. I can't say, despite some of the wonderful approaches, that I align with one person 100% on every single thing because I really am going to have to find my own way and learn how to trust my inner guidance system. But I highly support outsourcing here because we do need support. This is not a small thing. I kind of look at it like cooking. If I want to cook a new recipe, I don't look up just one; I look up two, sometimes three, depending on what I find. I pick and choose intuitively based on if I like that ingredient, if I don't like that, if my kids aren't going to like that, if it's not going to work, if it's too spicy, if it's too difficult. I pick and choose what I think will yield the best result, and I troubleshoot it. Hopefully, I end up with my own world's best lasagna. Although, you can't really go wrong with lasagna, because it's pasta, cheese, and meat. But you get what I'm saying. Eventually, I toss the recipe and intuitively know how to make it because it's built in, and I know what works, what we like, what works if it doesn't work, and if everybody hated it, I'd have to change it. Why would I keep making something that doesn't work? It's the same thing with our approaches and tactics. Sometimes we beat our head against the wall, running into the same wall over and over again. Let's slow it down, reassess, and see if we are doing something unconsciously because of our own beliefs and experiences or what someone else has said is a good idea, even though it's not working.
There are many approaches out there, and well-meaning friends will offer advice because they really believe in it. That doctor or psychologist may have had a best-selling book, but it doesn't mean it's an awakened approach. It doesn't mean it's in alignment for your family, yourself, and your values. It doesn't mean it will benefit your relationship and connection with your child. So, it's really important to start trusting and relying on our inner guidance system in this process. Take a close look at what we are operating from. What unconscious beliefs do we need to wake up to? What's mine? Is that my belief? Do I even believe it, or am I just acting impulsively or compulsively on autopilot?
At the end of the day, other people's judgments, whether family members or friends, are really irrelevant. They are fleeting and won't last long, but your relationship with your child and your own well-being will last much longer. As far as learning to operate from any formula, I like formulas. I like finding something that works as a baseline, something I can check in with if I'm at an "I don't know." There's a lot of "I don't knows" on this journey with what's coming up with me or my kids or how to respond to something appropriately. I can ask myself, "Is this coming from a place of love?" There are incredible models to look at based on your belief system and leanings, but what is love? What actually is love? Is it loving to say yes? Is it loving to say no in that moment? What is the need? Where do I need to show up? Whose need do I need to meet? Weighing that out, prioritizing sometimes, and getting creative.
Is it loving to discard myself in the name of unnecessary parental martyrdom if it costs the whole, and then I don't show up the way I'd like to or as a very nice person? Is that loving? Is that loving to anybody? Who does that benefit? What does that teach? We tend to forgo one in the name of the other and use it as an excuse to stay avoidant in not addressing our stuff. Isn't one required to do the other well? If we are going to show up in the name of love, then we need to consider ourselves here as equals and part of the human race. Also, we need to consider our needs as parents and the profound responsibility we have.
Anytime I hear myself saying, "I should," "I have to," "I need to," that's worth examining. Where's that coming from? Isn't that just a story possibly? Do we want our children to learn how to self-regulate? Most likely. How do I model that? Do I try and hold it together and ignore the need, or do I ask for help? They're watching; they're learning. They're watching everything. Can I demonstrate that I'm human, that I'm not perfect? Can I allow myself grace? I can tell you, my kids have seen me stop in the middle of chaos, put my hand over my heart, close my eyes, take three deep breaths, and get still. This gets their attention. They stop and look at me, and I say, "I'm just taking a minute. I'm really needing a minute." They've also seen me lose my [__] and fall apart. They know I'm human. I don't try to be perfect anymore. For a long time, I did, and it didn't serve me or them because they see through the BS. If I hold myself to that standard and try to model that, what are they taking away from that?
As I learn, they learn. Which one would you prefer? Which one benefits me? Which one benefits the whole? Obviously, if I lose it, which I might sometimes, that's a signal to me that I need to do something differently. Can I let myself off the hook and sacrifice the value of a healthy meal, for example, and let my kids order whatever they want? Can I allow for flexibility and a lack of rigidity around this value that is really important to me, that I generally try to uphold, if my mental and emotional health needs are speaking louder in that moment? I can tell you, they appreciate it. They like fast food. I'm not a fan of it; I'm not going to eat it, but every now and again, I need to soften.
Do I ask for help? I have six kids. If I tried to stay as self-sufficient as I did in the beginning, I would have worked my way into the grave because it's too much for one person to do. So, I ask them to work with me. This was a tough one for me. It took me three kids and then some—three kids in diapers and then some, with my husband on the road for a good part of the year—for me to be willing to surrender and ask for help. I just had no choice. That was just on my own personal journey; it was just part of my story. Logically speaking, we can all agree that it is for the benefit of everyone to self-care, make that a priority, and make time for that. A lot of times we use the excuse that we don't have time, but of course, there is no time. That's not the issue. It's whether we are willing, I think, and where there's a will, there's a way. So, if I'm not doing it, that might mean that I'm avoiding it, and that could be the real issue.
Therefore, support is needed. We're not supposed to do this alone. This is deep work; it's legit. Dr. Becky has this incredible thing where you can sign up, and she'll send you text messages randomly, saying, "Hey, you're not alone." I just think that's brilliant, for us to know in the moment that we're not alone because parenting can sometimes feel very isolating. What is accessible? Community, like-minded parents, additional help for ourselves in our own work to support ourselves. Patty Wipfler of Hand in Hand Parenting has this incredible tool in her formula called Listening Time. It's designed for the parents to create space. You set up a time, and it's free. You can set up a time with a coach, but you can also do it with another parent if you're on the same page and allow space for each other to just have what you have and be heard. Ironically, it's the very thing we need to do for our children.
Ultimately, our children are looking to co-regulate, and as we seek to do this, since they generally don't say, "Mommy, I need to co-regulate," they fall apart. It looks like some sort of explosion or some other manifestation that's disturbing to us. Tantrums, for example, are just a classic example, but of course, it can look a variety of different ways. It could be sass, rudeness, attitude, fighting with siblings, not listening, defiance. Depending on how old they are, it could manifest differently. They could be getting into trouble at school or finding ways to disassociate from their own feelings as they get older. How do I show up? Do I show up in a controlling way, a fearful way, or an inquisitive and curious way? What is the need? This is the clue. What's coming up for me? If I need to control and change it, that's a manifestation of what's being affected in me. If I can't tolerate something, typically if crying or whining or a tantrum is causing you to want to shut it down, the opposite would be softening and entering a heart space. So much more can be positively accomplished here with minimal fallout. They don't have to carry or internalize my woundedness that I'm projecting onto them. They are going to walk away with something from that interaction.
What are we conditioning? Are we conditioning and building in and sending the message that it's okay to feel? No matter what your feelings are, I love you, I accept you, I'm here for you. Or do we have to repress those things because they're still unresolved in us? Again, it calls us to ourselves again and again and again. It really is an incredible design, as confusing as it sometimes is.
The benefit of self-care, by the way, is that you end up feeling cared for. The benefit of showing yourself love, kindness, compassion, patience, tolerance, understanding, and allowing grace is that you feel those things. If those weren't given to you in the way you needed, it's like one of my love languages is words of affirmation. If I can speak those things to myself, it might feel a little stupid sometimes, like saying nice things to yourself. I try to do it when no one's around. I will receive the benefits of hearing those words because I have spoken those words over me. There's this Rumi quote that's right behind me. I'm going to turn around to read it so I don't mess it up. It says, "Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder." This applies. Laughter is just as important as allowing for tears. There's a good amount of laughter needed, play, creativity that we can interject.
There have been times where I have not felt the joy, and I have noticed that was the need. So, I got quiet and just prayed and asked for joy. In the recognition and attention I gave to it, the space opened up for that to come in, and joy was found and cultivated. It felt like a flipping miracle. I'm not kidding because sometimes it can get intense and tough, and we can make heavy going of things. Interjecting play and laughter and needing support for that too is also pretty important. I had this memory, and this happened many times, but for some reason, it really stood out to me and illustrated this point. My mom was with me, and it was like a symphony, an orchestra of tears and crying around me. It was multiple of my children, all crying at once. Nobody could be satisfied, and I literally felt like the world was going to end. I couldn't fix this, I couldn't change this; it was all too much for my little nervous system to handle. I thought my head was going to explode. In that moment, my mom burst into laughter. It jolted me and took me out of the situation, allowing me to become objective and laugh with her. I was so grateful for that. I realized, oh yeah, this is ridiculous; they're just kids being kids.
So, the need to cultivate self-compassion and kindness is critical. Allowing ourselves grace, getting what we need to support ourselves, having understanding with ourselves in this process, letting ourselves off the hook, not holding ourselves to these ridiculous and unmeetable standards. We can't do it perfectly; it is an impossible job. All we can do is show up. There's a good amount of humility in that, and in the humility of that, I become open and receptive to accepting help, any kind of help, including spiritual help.
On the topic of self-care, it is important for me to build time into my day to ground. I have a meditation and prayer practice; I have a self-hypnosis practice. My kids have learned to have a little reverence for that. It took a minute. It used to be like, is it an emergency? I'm like, no, no, no, let me ask you this: has anyone lost an appendage? Is anyone dying? Is anyone bleeding profusely? If the answer is no, can it please wait? Holding the line on that and demanding some respect around it, modeling that. Hopefully, it's a tool that at some point in their life, when life gets lifey for them and they go out into the world, they'll see that they need that too for themselves. They'll think, oh, I know how to do that; I saw my mom do that. I wake up before everybody now because it's just easier to do in the morning before they're awake, and that's part of my self-care. Just spitballing ideas here. This is a pretty big topic; not everything can be covered. It's just a pillar of one of these conversations we're going to have. I look forward to more to come. Please feel free to leave me thoughts, questions, concerns, reviews.
Until next time, it's been a pleasure. Thank you for tuning in to the Mae B Mindful Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, don't forget to subscribe and leave us a review. Your feedback helps us grow and improve. For more information, resources, and exclusive content, visit our website at maebmindful.com, or follow us on Instagram @maebmindful. If you enjoyed this week's episode, please give me a follow, screenshot the episode, and tag me. Until next week, when I bring you another thought-provoking and inspiring topic. Until then!