Understanding Codependency in Romantic Relationships: A Path to Self-Awareness
EP. 20
In this episode of the Mae B Mindful Podcast, host Hannah Mae explores the complexities of codependency and toxic relationships, focusing on romantic dynamics. From trauma bonds and narcissistic tendencies to self-awareness and healing, Hannah delves into how these patterns reflect deeper wounds and unmet needs. Learn how to break free from destructive cycles and step into your true power.
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Episode Transcript:
Hello, this is the Mae B Mindful Podcast, and I am your host, Hannah Mae. I'm a mother of six, a conscious birth instructor and educator, a spiritual growth facilitator, and a certified hypnotist. This podcast is about inspiring hope, expanding awareness, and consciousness in order to revolutionize the way we live and experience our lives. You can expect thought-provoking episodes each week, spanning a range of topics drawn from both my own journey of transformation and healing, and from working with others. I hope you find this podcast to be informative, refreshing, illuminating, and instrumental in your own soul's evolution and growth. Let’s jump right in.
Hi everybody, welcome back to the Mae B Mindful Podcast. I’m excited because we’re continuing the conversation on codependency, but with a specific focus on romantic relationships and dynamics. They’re a little more complicated—there are added dynamics and complexities. There’s a whole neuroscience aspect to it, though I’m not a scientist, so don’t get your hopes up there. But I don’t know, maybe I’m a spiritual scientist! There’s the spiritual piece, which I don’t think people acknowledge enough when it comes to this, because so much is happening on a spiritual level that we aren’t seeing. Then there’s the emotional piece and the physical piece as well. You’re mixing up a whole cocktail of hormones, creating feelings of love and connection through intimacy, which can feel very binding and hard to separate from.
First of all, let me say that an unhealed codependent often has a tendency to attract or be attracted to unhealthy dynamics, even if they’re working on themselves. We don’t consciously choose toxic or harmful dynamics—it’s just that a perfect storm can happen where someone on the other side of the spectrum, like a narcissist or someone with a personality disorder, is drawn to that type of person. And it’s not about saying codependent equals good, narcissist equals bad—that’s not how we feel at all. These are two different sides of the same sickness, an unwellness, an unconsciousness. I believe these relationships are calling us and inviting us to more awareness in ourselves. There’s so much information in them: what we’re drawn to, what’s being reflected back to us, where we need to show up for ourselves, and where we’re not well. Anytime we operate from our pain, we’re going in blindly.
People say love is blind, but Anthony de Mello puts it beautifully. To paraphrase, he says love isn’t blind—love is one of the most crystal-clear things in the world. It’s attachment that’s blind, confusing, and disorienting, because it sets us up to think we need something. So when we enter a relationship as a fragmented version of ourselves, trying to seek wholeness, we’re running into the arms of an abuser in extreme situations, operating from that place of woundedness and unmet need.
I recently heard Andrew Huberman talk about this, and it makes so much sense based on what I’ve seen in relationships. He said we repurpose the same neural circuitry from our early attachments in our later romantic relationships. This stuff can get confusing because there are real needs in there too—normal, natural needs like wanting a partnership, a family, or intimacy. There’s nothing wrong with those needs. But when we go to another person expecting them to make us whole, especially when that person is likely to inflict the same harm that created the deficit in the first place, it’s a problem.
We’ll talk about some signs of this, like what it might look like if you’re in that kind of situation. This isn’t about diagnosing or labeling anyone, but if you have unresolved, unhealed codependency, are you ending up in harmful or toxic situations where there’s an excessive imbalance? Is it degrading your self-worth, and is it not supporting you in stepping into your true self, agency, and power? A healthy relationship is meant to build each other up, not break each other down. It should not lead to self-deterioration or harm.
If you’re in a relationship like this, you might recognize that you're with someone who fits this opposite role, and maybe not your best match—unless they’re willing to change. However, if someone truly is on the narcissistic or personality disorder spectrum, the likelihood of them taking accountability or responsibility for their actions is low. In fact, it’s usually the opposite—you end up feeling blamed and shamed for things you didn’t do.
A clear marker for me is when you reach that point of pain where you’ve had enough and want to step out of the dysfunction. Maybe it’s harming you or a loved one, but after asserting yourself, you still find yourself drawn back in with hope that things will change. There’s this common delusion: if the other person just changes or meets this need for me, then everything will be okay. Then I’ll be whole. Even if you’re not consciously aware of it, if you look at the pattern and cycle of how many times you’ve tried to step away from the dysfunction because of the harm it’s causing—whether mental, emotional, physical, or even threatening your security—yet still return to it, you start to see the insanity of it all.
If you zoom out and look at a timeline of the relationship, you’ll notice patterns. And if there’s no progression or real remorse from the other person, it might not be worth it. You have to weigh what it’s costing you. At the end of the day, most people don’t want to feel their pain, so they avoid detaching from the relationship. This leads to facing your deepest wounds, and people understandably don’t want to deal with that. We need something big, something sustaining, to hold us as we go through that process, because it’s triggering for our nervous system and brings up all kinds of emotions.
There’s often withdrawal and detox involved, especially in deeply enmeshed relationships. These dynamics can become very selfish, with both people hoping the other will fill some sort of deficit within them. But ultimately, it’s self-harming. It sounds selfless, but it’s actually selfish because it’s causing harm. And I know it sounds harsh, especially if you’re in an abusive dynamic, but I believe we owe it to ourselves to come out of victimhood and support ourselves in healing.
Adding sexual intimacy into the mix complicates things further. People often don’t realize the impact of making a physical covenant with someone. There’s more happening than just a physical exchange—it’s chemical, emotional, and spiritual. All those love hormones like dopamine and serotonin create feelings of love and connection, which can be confusing when there’s no real love being shown. There’s also an energetic and spiritual exchange happening that we may not see.
We each come with our own baggage—generational, spiritual, or otherwise—and often our partner’s baggage is perfectly curated to trigger ours. It’s fascinating to observe. Spiritually, there’s an exchange and binding happening, and what some people refer to as "soul ties" is actually trauma bonding. That’s why it can be so hard to separate from these harmful relationships.
It’s important to break these attachments and erroneous beliefs, especially if they’re driving us into harmful situations. If a belief is pushing you back into something destructive, it’s probably not true. To have a radically different experience, we have to take radically different actions. Breaking these patterns will be uncomfortable, but it’s necessary for healing.
At the end of the day, we already are whole. We just need to return to that truth, before those beliefs and fears took hold. It’s possible to heal—I’ve seen it, and I’ve experienced it.
In relationships, it’s good to be aware of narcissistic patterns and behaviors, but you can’t stay focused on that. You need to turn the focus back to yourself. These dynamics can become parasitic, and we don’t want to be in parasitic relationships—we want self-loving, mutually respecting relationships. We really need to assess whether these imbalances can be reconciled, and if not, are we willing to sacrifice ourselves for something we think will make us whole?
Honesty with yourself is crucial. You may be willing to change, but the other person may not be. Sometimes, change happens best when we’re on our own, away from the distractions of a relationship. One of my early sponsors told me, "Take the finger off that person and point it at yourself." That advice was impactful and potent. It’s hard to heal when you're constantly distracted by someone else’s issues.
I love you guys. I'm on this path with you. Until next time.
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