Detachment and Acceptance: Keys to Inner Peace in a Chaotic World
EP. 9
In this episode of The Mae B Mindful Podcast, host Hannah Mae shares her insights on how to maintain inner peace amidst external chaos. Hannah discusses the importance of shifting our focus from external distractions to internal harmony. She explores the impact of hyper-fixation on negative events and the importance of acceptance and detachment while offering personal anecdotes and practical advice for finding serenity in a turbulent world. This is a thought-provoking conversation that will help you cultivate inner peace and resilience.
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Episode Transcript:
Welcome back to the Mae B Mindful podcast. I'm your host, Hannah Mae, and I'm coming to you from this ridiculously adorable cottage guest house. I hope my sound holds up okay. I've got this dress on with a little cutout that's just perfect for this mic to go in, so it's not going to disturb the sound with disrespectful interferences like body language that I get excessive with when I talk sometimes.
I just wanted to talk about some things today in the light of all things external. There’s a whole lot going on in the world, and actually, there always is. But of course, sometimes our attention gets drawn to certain outstanding issues that may be out of the ordinary, and if we didn’t pay attention to them, it would be weird, right? It'd be like, "Why are you ignoring that? That person just got shot. Why are you ignoring that this explosion is happening over here, that this fire is getting started over there?" Naturally, our attention is going to go towards those things.
I'm just watching this incredible thing unfold. When I say "incredible," I'm not gleeful or happy about it. I’m sort of amazed by how insane people are being driven and how consumed they are. This, of course, is not new either, but I'm witnessing it with people who are normally pretty well-balanced. They're being driven into a state of hysteria because of this hyper-fixation and focus on certain things outside of ourselves. When these things don’t seem good, they can naturally disturb us. But I'm watching people be consumed by them, and all their energy and focus are being sunk into these things. Therefore, they are embodying the energy of whatever’s going on, and this is a danger because this is a serious disruption to our peace. Who we are in the world and what we contribute to the world are affected. Who we are at any given moment is what we’re creating, and what we’re embodying is what we’re creating because we’re always creating. We’re always impacting, and our energy is really important for our own peace of mind and for the way in which we serve, like who we are in our communities and our families, and it matters.
Here’s what I’m just going to offer. This is not a new concept, by the way. It’s just something I think about a lot because I’ve had my own journey with having to really shift from an externalized focus to an internal focus in order to shift my experience here on this planet. Nothing outside of us is our problem. The only problems we have to address are within. There's no problem outside of us that is actually the cause of our suffering and pain. It’s the attention we’re giving it, the judgment we’re putting on it, the meaning we’re assigning to it, and the way we’re processing this data that is based on our own belief systems, ideas, security structures, fears, and attachments. Our attachments to these ideals of what we think we’re supposed to look like and our life are a string of judgments. Judgment is not a bad thing. We’re not talking necessarily about condemnation as far as judgment goes, but like just basic discernment, just coming to one decision to the next is based off of a judgment. But the problem is that a lot of times we’re judging something based on our perception, and our perception is often inaccurate and very limited. Our thinking is actually very finite. We are, by nature, shortsighted because we see things based on the light of our own experience, and we don’t have all the information. We just don’t. And you know, we can get clarity, we can seek clarity, but clarity doesn’t bring disturbance and hysteria. Clarity, even though it can sometimes be disturbing and we have to move through disappointment or grief when we have clarity with something, brings peace. It brings order, it brings acceptance, and peace always follows. Ultimately, it drops us into homeostasis and alignment in accordance with the flow of life and the divine because we can accept something, even if it’s disagreeable.
So, how do we move out of this state where we’re being consumed, mad, grabbed, or gripped by a problem? As far as solutions go, if you’re needing to shift your state of being and move into a new place, it really comes down to focus and attention. What are you focusing on? What are you paying attention to? Because whatever that is, you’re giving your energy to, and you are moving in that direction. If you want to be moving forward, you’re not going to look behind you. You’re going to be stepping onto the path of whatever that is that you’re following with your attention, and that path is going to lead somewhere. So, what are you following? What are you paying attention to, and where is it taking you? If it’s to a very undesirable place, then it’s worth shifting gears and focus.
Bottom line, in my opinion, if you want peace, you have to focus on that which brings peace. It doesn’t mean we avoid and it doesn’t mean we’re not cognizant of the things that might need to be addressed in us, sometimes outside of us, but often times if we are in a minefield, those explosives are not real, they are perceived. We need to also differentiate the difference between what is a perceived threat and what is a real threat. It’s possible to be cognizant and aware of the things that are disturbing while keeping our focus and attention on the place we want to be. If we want to step into the clearing, then we have to focus on that clearing. Otherwise, we’re not going to see it. How are we going to get there?
I know what that is for me. I’m very clear on that. I’m not here to tell you what it is that’s going to bring you peace, but I can tell you briefly what it is for me and what it isn’t. What it isn’t is anything outside of myself. It’s no external thing, circumstance, or thing that is subject to flux and change. For me, it is not the peace that the world fails to deliver. It is the Prince of Peace, the source of peace, but that is the thing that sustains and that I can grab onto. That is something solid, a rock that I can hold onto that can anchor me and, in fact, sustain me and lift me above all the chaos going on at any given time. It can also bring restoration and healing to the parts of me that need to be addressed that are being touched on.
Here’s the thing: everybody has their tipping point. If you’re seeing people becoming unhinged who are normally very together, everyone has their tipping point. Nobody’s excluded from that. Any fear specifically left unaddressed is ultimately going to get triggered when the right storm comes along. This detachment from external circumstances can feel so difficult if we’re attached and buying into an illusion that the outcome has to be a certain way for everything to be okay for us to feel okay. We have to get right within ourselves, so there has to be, first of all, an open mind that maybe we don’t know. Maybe our judgment is incorrect. This obviously requires some humility, and that’s uncomfortable because it means we have to step out of our titled perspective and drop into, “Maybe I don’t know.”
It can also be very challenging because we’ve bought into an idea, we’ve bought into something, and we really believe it. You know what? It might be right. It might not be great. The situation could suck. There could be all kinds of things wrong with it. But the fact of the matter is that we still don’t know. I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want to live my life by someone else’s judgment of what they think is best, just like they don’t want to live their life in line with my ideals necessarily. Some people might, but nobody’s going to agree with me on everything, so therefore I’m not running the show. Nobody else is running the show. We get too many cooks in the kitchen with all these opinions and ideas and beliefs. Everyone’s free and entitled to have their own belief and opinion, and everybody’s free to fight for something and to believe in something. If we’re going to do so with grace and be effective in any way whatsoever, we have to move through it with detachment, grace, and power.
If we’re disregulated, unhinged, and so disturbed and distraught, there’s no power in that. How do you think you’re going to change something? You don’t change something that way. We change something by accepting it, by coming to terms with it, and then our action, as a result of the clarity that comes from being in that state, that open state, will give our actions beyond that more impact. Then we’re going to be walking very differently. Whether that’s on a big scale or what we consider to be a smaller scale, like in our own homes, in our families, in our workplaces—those things aren’t small, okay? That’s actually everything. That’s the foundation of civilization: who we are at home, what we are growing, what we’re cultivating, because that goes out from there.
Aside from your own well-being, which is very important, there might be other people relying on you to be a constant for them if you’re a parent, for example. This concept can translate to anything and everything outside of ourselves, small scale, big scale, current events, anything in your personal life. The thing it can also be applied to is with people. The thing that comes to mind for me, that I’ve had a lot of experience with, is people suffering or struggling with something whose life path appears to be on a certain trajectory that causes you disturbance, concern, or worry. It could be somebody that you love. It could be somebody that just drives you insane that happens to be in your life that you can’t control, that they’re in your life. You might really believe that things should be different and that they should be acting differently.
I’m going to use an example of a situation where you really love the person and want what’s best for them. In the case of dealing with an addict or an alcoholic, I’ve had this experience again and again where I can think I know what’s best. I can see that somebody is not in alignment with their best, their highest self, the person they could be, the life they could be living, the fruits they could be bearing if they were living a healthy, balanced life. I can think I know what’s best. This is not a bad ideal. It would be best if they were those things and could live up to those things. Nobody else is going to argue with me that it would be best. However, if I am not in acceptance that this is the path they’re on and that I can’t actually change it for them, then I’m going to be in conflict. I’m going to be focused on something that I don’t actually have control over, and I’m going to be focused on what could be rather than what is. If I’m focused on what could be rather than what is, then I have zero acceptance. If I don’t have any acceptance and I’m in conflict with it, then I’m not at peace. I have that conflict within myself, and basically what I’m doing is attaching to their current state. I’m going to be and stay disturbed as long as I’m focused on that with the delusion that it needs to be different, with the belief or idea that it needs to be different, rather than coming into acceptance with what is and experiencing my own disappointment and grief. There’s no acceptance in conflict, there’s no flow, there’s only a fight that happens there. What I’m doing is attaching to my belief, my idea that the person needs to be different so that I can feel better within.
That’s actually kind of selfish and shortsighted. This can sound harsh, especially if we’re talking about a loved one like a family member or a child, but the moment I accept and acceptance is very difficult with something like this that can feel very unacceptable because it means I have to face my own grief, disappointment, and sadness. I have to come to terms with these things within myself. When I do, I am free. I am set free because when I have accepted that, processed that, and taken care of myself in this regard, then I can be present and available in a different way. I had this powerful experience years ago when I was working with somebody around someone struggling in my life that I loved dearly, that I couldn’t change, that I couldn’t fix, that I talked until I was blue in the face with, that I tried so hard to enlighten as if that’s my job, like I have the ability to enlighten somebody. They would even ask me for advice and help sometimes, but then they would continue with this self-destructive behavior causing so much harm and pain.
She said to me, “God’s got your number,” and I was like, “Oh my gosh,” and the penny dropped. I was like, “God’s got my number.” That actually became a mantra for a good chunk of time until this belief, understanding, and concept were really imprinted and solidified in me, which was like, “I will stand at attention if I am called. I will do anything and everything if needed. If this person actually needs or wants my help, I will drop what I’m doing and do what can be effective and helpful in that moment.” That’s not what was being asked of me. I was simply fixated and worrying about something I had no control over, and it was consuming me. Basically, I was attaching to the energy of this person and their trajectory, embodying it. It was consuming me. I was filled with worry, negativity, and uncertainty. That’s not the state I’m supposed to walk around in just because somebody else is. I am of no use to myself or anybody in that state.
When I recognized that, okay, first of all, God’s got my number, that also implies that maybe God’s got this situation. Therefore, I don’t have to be the controller here. I’m not God, and I can begin to trust a little. For me, I really needed to have a visualization around this. I needed to imagine myself placing this person in the loving hands of something bigger than me because I wasn’t doing it. I’m not this person’s safety net. I can’t be. That would be requiring too much of me. I don’t have the ability to be that for anybody. There’s another incredible thing that happens here. When we remove our worry, anxiety, and step out of their energy field, we remove interference. Here’s the thing: I don’t know what’s best for this person. I don’t know where they are in their journey. I don’t know what they need to go through. Things might have to get all kinds of crazy for that person to see what they need to see, to have the insights they need, to have the transformation and change they need. The sad and devastating thing with addiction, for example, is you don’t know if that person is going to have that change or transformation. You have to just hope. I guarantee you that worrying about it is not going to make that change for them. All it’s going to do is cause you more disturbance and pain.
When we step out of that and their energy field, and remove interference, I have seen incredible things happen. It’s almost like this divine power that sustains, upholds, and is in all of this allows everybody the freedom to do what they need to, what they want to, and is just sort of waiting. That basically respects everybody’s right and dignity of choice here, saying, “Thank you, I’ve got this. Okay, now you can go be happy. You can be free. You can love this person.” Love, by the way, is very painful sometimes, but loving somebody looks like accepting, respecting, and allowing them that same dignity that I believe this loving power respects in us. It’s emulating that essentially. Yes, there’s unknown and uncertainty in that sometimes, but therein lies the surrender, the letting go. When we remove control, because control, fear, and worry are actually just forms of control, we can worry about ourselves. We can create, give to ourselves plentifully, and pay attention to those around us.
These people are our teachers in that regard. We can learn a lot, grow a lot, and they don’t necessarily make it easy on us. Growth is typically uncomfortable. It just always is. Even starting from infancy, we grow teeth. Luckily, we don’t remember it, but that was an uncomfortable process. I remember it as a mom because I was awake all night nursing my kid because they were in pain, but they grew teeth, and those teeth got strong, and now it serves. This is part of the human experience. We can’t come in thinking we’re going to be exempt from pain, and that’s what we want. We want eternal bliss now. The fastest way to that is to accept that this is part of our earthly human condition. When we move into these experiences and shift our gaze from an externalized focus to an internal one, where we can fix our gaze and develop a relationship with ourselves, with the divine within, that is a constant that sustains.
I don’t know what that is for you. That’s a journey for everybody to press into if they want that, but it’s available and accessible to everybody. We’ll be less affected by external volatility and attach less meaning to it because we’ll trust that there is some sort of providence at play, and we don’t see the big picture. Something can worry us, and there’s always going to be something that’s going to challenge that, something that’s going to rock us. It’s different for everybody. What might rock and disturb you, someone else might be totally at peace with, which tells you it’s not about the circumstance. It’s about what’s being affected or challenged in you. It’s an amazing experience to be able to sail through a storm and stay tethered and anchored to our center, to something constant, where we know we’re safe and protected.
Think about that: if you knew everything you needed to know to eliminate those fears, then you’d be okay. You wouldn’t need to stay hyper-focused on something and worry. Worry, like I said, is just a form of control. It’s just an illusion of control that we can change something. It’s not that you might not be called to change something. We might be called to create change, but we’re only going to create change if we’re coming from a place of truth and power, centered and grounded in that. There has to be a shift regardless.
One of my favorite books, and I’ll leave you with this—it’s a book recommendation: go read "Left to Tell" if you want. It’s kind of intense. It was one of the most powerful things I’ve ever read. I don’t finish books. I start reading books, read like 10 at one time, and get bored no matter how good the book is, but I read this book from cover to cover in a week. This was when I had four or five small children, so I didn’t have time to read. I generally don’t even have the attention span to read for long periods, but I couldn’t wait to get into bed and read this book every night because I hung on every word and had to know what happened next. It’s called "Left to Tell," and I hope I don’t botch her name, Immaculée Ilibagiza. She survived the Rwandan genocide, and it’s the most beautiful, incredible story of faith, transcendence, and forgiveness. Unreal. So much tragedy, pain, and sadness, and in that, through hiding in a bathroom for 90 days with six or eight women, and this heavy spiritual reliance and communion, very intimate communion with Christ, she received all kinds of lights and illuminations. She was really sustained in this horrific circumstance where she found out horrific things, like how her family met their death. She had to grieve the loss of her family and loved ones quietly while hiding in this bathroom, while being hunted. It was incredible. Now she’s this incredible inspirational speaker and wonder of a woman.
This is a perfect example on an extreme scale, but this is what’s accessible and possible. If something like that is possible, obviously, it’s accessible and possible with how we’re viewing political and current events. We just need to get out of our own way and detach, which is our biggest challenge. Then we’re happy. End of story. Bye-bye, attachments. Hello, happiness. We can have peace when we’re not attached to those things causing us pain.
Anyway, I love you guys. Be well. Until next time.